Co-parenting

Three little girls sitting in a row

Co-parenting is a skill that is learned - it’s not necessarily a trait that anyone is born with. It takes time, patience and understanding to develop a solid co-parenting relationship, but the benefits of doing so way outweigh the challenges. If you can co-parent together after your divorce respectfully and calmly, it’ll be a heck of a lot better for your kids.

What co-parenting actually means

Co-parenting is when both parents stay involved in raising a child after they’ve stopped being a couple - whether that’s from divorce or a relationship breakdown. The child will typically experience living across two homes with two parents, who collaborate to ensure the child is brought up in the best possible way.

It’s worth noting that there is no legal status attached to co-parenting. It isn’t covered in the Children Act, and a court will never make a ‘co-parenting order’. A solicitor can’t get you one, as it doesn’t exist. Co-parenting is a description of behaviour, not something that can be applied for or enforced.

What is legal is the arrangement that sits beneath it - who the children live with, when they see each parent, who makes decisions about them. That’s a child arrangements order (commonly referred to as child custody).

Don’t confuse that with co-parenting, which is essentially just a style of parenting.

A few related things people ask us:

  • Are you a single parent if you co-parent? You can be both. "Single parent" usually describes your relationship status and who the child primarily lives with; co-parenting describes how the two of you share the job. Plenty of people tick both boxes.

  • What's the opposite of co-parenting? Usually either parallel parenting (more details on this below) or sole parenting, where one parent is doing it alone.

  • Co-parent or co parent? Hyphenated. "Co-parent" is the standard British spelling, as both noun and verb.

Co-parenting vs parallel parenting

You might be wondering what the difference is between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Well, we’ve got you:

  • Co-parenting means talking to each other. Joint decisions, shared calendars, both at the nativity play, broadly consistent rules across two houses. It's lovely when it works.

  • Parallel parenting means deliberately not doing that. You each parent your own way in your own house, you keep contact to the absolute minimum, you communicate in writing about logistics only, and you stop trying to agree on bedtimes. Handovers happen at school or in a car park rather than a doorstep.

If you are parallel parenting over co-parenting, do not feel guilty. For a lot of people it's the thing that finally makes their childcare arrangement survivable, and it's often better for children than two parents attempting friendliness and managing a row in front of them every other Friday.

  • Pick parallel parenting if: every conversation turns into the same argument, one of you can't resist a dig, or contact between the two of you is the thing upsetting the children most.

  • Pick co-parenting if: you can be civil in a room, you can make a joint decision without it becoming a negotiation, and neither of you is using the children to get at the other.

Most people do a bit of both, and move between them over time. Starting parallel and warming up later is extremely common. Starting friendly and having to pull back is also extremely common, so don’t stress if that’s your experience.

What good co-parenting actually looks like

There are no set rules when it comes to co-parenting, but if you want to know how to do it successfully, here are a couple of useful indicators:

  • Keep the children out of the middle. No messages passed through them, no questions about the other house, no asking them to choose. This is essential for successful co-parenting.

  • Be dull. The goal of every exchange with your ex is now "boring and finished". Not fair, not resolved, not acknowledged. Repeat after us: boring and finished.

  • Separate the relationship from the logistics. The marriage ended, but the rota didn't. You can be furious with someone and still confirm a pick-up time at 4pm for the benefit of your child.

  • Let the other house be the other house. Different bedtimes, worse food, more screen time; unless a child is actually at risk, this is not your business any more, and children cope with two sets of rules far better than they cope with two parents fighting about one set of rules. Learning to let go is really hard, but sometimes it can be the best thing for you and your child.

  • Give notice. Most co-parenting rows are about lack of notice and sudden surprises disrupting a routine. Make sure you both agree to give plenty of notice for changes wherever possible. A parenting plan can help with this.

  • Don't re-litigate. If it's agreed, it's agreed. It’s time to move on.

  • Assume the boring explanation. They're late because of traffic, not to punish you. They forgot the PE kit because they forgot it. You'll be wrong occasionally, but you'll be far happier.

Talking to each other without it turning into a row

Put as much as you can in writing. Not because you're building a case, but because written messages are slower, which means you get a chance to not send the first version.

The four-part rule. There's a widely used technique called BIFF: brief, informative, friendly, firm. One short paragraph. Facts only. A civil opening. No invitation to continue the conversation. It was developed for high-conflict exchanges and it works unreasonably well:

Hi Sam. Just confirming I'll collect Ida from school on Friday at 3.30 and drop her back Sunday at 6. I've packed her inhaler. Thanks.

No feelings, no history, no bait - just stick to the facts. If they reply with three paragraphs about something that happened in 2019, you answer the logistics and ignore the rest.

Some things that help:

  • Write it, wait, then send it. Draft the reply, leave it an hour, cut it in half. Nothing in co-parenting is so urgent it needs answering in ninety seconds.

  • One subject per message. Mixing the school trip and the maintenance arrears guarantees neither gets sorted.

  • Don't answer at 11pm. Nothing good has ever been sent at 11pm, and you want to go to bed feeling calm.

  • Never put anything in writing you wouldn't want read out in court. Not because it probably will be - but it occasionally is.

Co-parenting apps: do you need one?

Honestly, most people don’t need a co-parenting app. You can get away with a shared calendar, which is free and easy to access.

You might benefit from a co-parenting app if you are finding communication challenging, there are a lot of messages to keep up with, and you want to keep a clear record of your communication - just in case.

That’s where there is a real benefit to a co-parenting app - the main co-parenting apps keep a tamper-proof, time-stamped log which cannot be edited or deleted. Hopefully this isn’t needed, but it’s more reliable than WhatsApp screenshots should anything come to court.

Popular co-parenting apps in the UK:

  • OurFamilyWizard

  • TalkingParents

  • 2houses

  • AppClose

  • Coparently

Between them they do shared calendars, locked message logs, expense tracking and document storage. Most charge an annual fee per parent, though some have free tiers - take a look and see what will work best for you and your co-parenting arrangement.

Running two homes

It can feel challenging co-parenting between two homes, but take it from us - it’s more challenging being the person who lives between them. Here are some ways to make it easier for everyone involved - especially the children:

  • Have a clear schedule. Whatever you agree, write it down, including who does which school holidays and what happens when one of you is away. Vague arrangements are where most disputes start. There's a free template on the parenting plan page — no email address required.

  • Keep handovers simple. The worst ten minutes of the fortnight for a lot of people. Make them short, make them neutral, and if the doorstep is a flashpoint, move them to school - the child goes in with one parent and comes out to the other, and the two of you never have to meet.

  • Christmas and birthdays. Decide the pattern once, in writing, well ahead of time. Alternating years is the most common. Splitting the day itself sounds fair but is usually miserable for everyone, including the child doing two lunches. Whatever you pick, agree it in advance.

  • Babies and very young children. Different rules apply: frequent short contact usually suits a baby better than long blocks, and breastfeeding, routines and night waking all come into it. This is one to take professional advice on rather than copy from someone with a ten-year-old.

And if you’re still living together? This is more common than you'd think, and it's its own particular challenge. We've written about the version where you're still married but no longer a couple in silent divorce.

Mediation, and the £500 voucher

If you can't agree the arrangement between you, mediation is the step before court - and for most people it's the step instead of court.

There's a government voucher worth up to £500 towards mediation about child arrangements. It's per family, not per person, it's not means-tested, and it's been funded again for 2026–27. Your mediator applies on your behalf; you don't claim it yourself. It only covers child arrangements, not the financial settlement.

Mediation isn't counselling and nobody makes you be friends. It's a structured conversation with someone neutral, aimed at a workable arrangement. It's also faster and very much cheaper than court.

When they won't co-parent

Sometimes the problem isn't that co-parenting is hard, but it’s that you're the only one committed to doing it, or you’re co-parenting with a difficult ex.

If every exchange is a fight, if they cancel at the last minute repeatedly, if messages are relentless or designed to provoke, or if they're using the children to keep a hold on you, then that isn't a communication problem you can technique your way out of. Parallel parenting, strict written-only contact and an app with a locked log are the practical answers.

Where there's been abuse, coercive control or harassment, this stops being about co-parenting style. There are specific protections in the family court for exactly this, and contact arrangements are treated differently where there's a risk of harm - we've set out how that works on child arrangements. You do not have to make a relationship work with someone who is frightening you, and no court expects you to.

If things have got to this point, support and helplines has the organisations worth ringing.

Where to go next