Co-parenting with a difficult ex
Sometimes difficulties can arise during co-parenting even if both parties are behaving responsibly - however, sometimes it happens because your ex is genuinely being difficult. Co-parenting with a difficult ex can be a real challenge, and if you feel like you’re the only one showing up, committed to doing things right and are feeling stressed due to your ex’s behaviour, this guide to co-parenting challenges is for you.
Determining the type of difficult ex you’re dealing with
There are different types of difficult when it comes to exes and handling child arrangements post-divorce with them.
A difficult ex is someone who is unreasonable, unreliable, selfish, still angry at you or the situation, and sees navigating post-divorce life with as a battle that needs to be won. This is exhausting, but it is manageable - you need techniques to help you cope, plus healthy boundaries. It also helps to lower your expectations when dealing with them.
The other kind is an abusive ex - and it doesn’t just mean physical abuse. They use the children, the arrangements you have in place or the courts to keep control of you and the situation. There aren’t any techniques you can learn to help with this, because it’s not a communication problem. It’s someone being malicious on purpose. What you need in this situation is distance, evidence and the support of the law.
If you’re not sure what kind of difficult ex you’re dealing with, here’s a rough test: with a difficult person, things can improve when you change how you respond. With an abusive person, changing how you respond doesn’t help. They adapt and find another route in to continue doing what they’re doing. If you’ve been trying and trying but it’s getting worse, you’re likely in the second category.
If you are reading this and thinking, ‘that’s me, the second one,’ then skip ahead to our section on coercive control, or head to our support page for more advice.
Notes on the word ‘narcissist’
Before we begin: it’s depressingly common to see people searching for terms related to ‘narcissist’ or ‘narcissistic ex’. However, it’s a word that is used increasingly commonly, and it’s not always the right one. If you increasingly feel like your ex treats you like you don’t exist, except as an obstacle, it can be a good term to sum up your experience to friends and family, but it’s probably better not to use it in official settings. Here’s why:
It doesn’t get you anything - there is no legal consequence to your ex having a personality disorder. No court will act on it, no order turns on it, and no solicitor can use it.
It can backfire - telling a family court that your ex is a narcissist without proof can land as evidence about you instead of them - it can read as hostile, in a moment where both parents’ behaviour is being assessed and observed. It’s better to describe specific examples of behaviour with specific dates.
Post-separation coercive control is a criminal offence
Controlling or coercive behaviour has been a criminal offence since 2015, but until recently it only applied if you lived together. This meant that the offence stopped covering the behaviour once you separated, which is typically when it would get worse.
Fortunately, that changed on 5th April 2023, and the cohabitation requirement was removed from the offence. The Home Office’s own wording is that the amendment ensures: “post-separation abuse and familial domestic abuse is provided for when the victim and perpetrator do not live together.”
The definition of being ‘personally connected’ explicitly includes people who “each have, or there has been a time when they have had, a parental relationship in relation to the same child.” So you are covered if you share a child, whether or not you were ever married, and whether or not you live together. The offence carries up to five years in prison.
What coercive control looks like post-separation
The CPS guidance lists behaviours that count, and some of them will be uncomfortably familiar:
monitoring your movements, messages or location
economic control - withholding money, running up debts in your name, interfering with your ability to work
threats concerning the children
isolating you from people who'd help you
Using the court system against you is also a method of control. The CPS names “repeated litigation or applications for variations of a restraining order or child arrangement order to continue to try and coerce or control the victim.”
If you find yourself being dragged back to court over and over again over things that were previously settled, it can be a named pattern and it is recognised. It’s worth putting it to a solicitor with this context.
Coercive control is judged on the cumulative effect, so if there is a pattern, keep track of it. One message or cancellation is an incident, but several hundred of them is a pattern - which is why it’s very important to keep a record, if you’re having challenges co-parenting with your difficult ex.
The ‘grey rock’ technique
The grey rock technique can be a handy way to deal with a difficult ex. It means becoming as interesting as a grey rock - you give nothing. No emotion, no reaction, no information (outside of what’s needed), no defence, no openings for conversation. Keep replies short, flat and factual.
"Noted. I'll collect her at 3.30 on Friday."
That's it. No explanation, no justification, no acknowledgement of whatever they said to provoke you.
The grey rock technique works because conflict requires two people, and for some exes, getting a reaction is the point of the exercise. Take the reaction away and they aren’t getting what they want.
However, it’s important to note that grey rock behaviour is not a solution to abuse. If someone is frightening you, threatening you or controlling you, it’s not the right technique. Use it to help you get through handovers if needed, but seek safeguarding help and support as a priority.
Helpful grey rock techniques:
Decide your reply before you open their message. Focus on logistics, nothing else.
Never feel pressured to explain anything. Keep it factual and to the point.
Don’t get drawn into correcting things - it’s tempting, but it won’t work in your favour.
Accept that they may escalate their behaviour at first if they’re not getting the reaction they want.
When the other parent refuses to co-parent
"When a parent refuses to co-parent" is one of the most-searched things in this whole area, and it's a particular kind of lonely: you're doing all the organising, all the remembering, all the adapting, and being treated as unreasonable for it.
In this situation, co-parenting isn’t the solution. Here’s what you need to do:
You need to switch to parallel parenting, where you run your house, they run theirs and you communicate in writing only about logistics. You stop attempting to agree or discuss anything that isn’t strictly necessary. There’s more information on how this works in our section on co-parenting as a whole.
Write your plan and send it to them. Create a parenting plan (find our free template via that link) that outlines what you think is reasonable. Having something written in front of them puts them in the position of agreeing with or objecting to specifics, rather than having to co-operate to create something.
Lower the bar. It’s sad to have to do this, but if they won’t tell you things, such as school information, don’t let them be the obstacle. Get on the school contact list directly. Contact the dentist directly to find out when the next check-up is due and if it’s booked. If you don’t need them in the arrangement, avoid having them in it.
Don’t make your children the messengers. Don’t ask your child about what’s happening in their other parent’s house. It can be really tempting, but if they seem happy and healthy, avoid putting them in the middle of a situation you’re trying to protect them from.
Keep a proper record of what’s happening
Keeping records isn’t just for court cases, but it’s a useful thing to have. Memories are unreliable, and patterns are invisible when you’re in the middle of them, so it can be handy for identifying them, and can protect you in the future.
What to keep a record of:
Every cancellation or late collection, with the date, the time and the notice given
Messages - in full, not screenshots of the bit that annoyed you
What you proposed, and what they said
Anything the children said that worried you, in their words, on the day
Keep your record dull and factual - a log with commentary can read as a diary of grievances, whereas one that is just facts and dates reads as evidence. Write it as though a stranger might read it in court, because that might happen.
Co-parenting apps are also worth considering if you’re at this stage - lots of them keep timestamped logs of communication that can’t be edited or deleted. There’s a list of co-parenting apps here.
When to stop trying and use the law
There's no prize for enduring co-parenting with a difficult ex. The signs it's time to seek further support include:
arrangements are being broken repeatedly and nothing you do changes it
you're being contacted in a way that frightens or exhausts you
the children are being used to get at you
you're being taken back to court over settled matters
What's available, in rough order of formality (all of it covered in more details in our section on child arrangements):
Mediation, which is usually the required first step - but not if there's been domestic abuse. There's a specific exemption, and you do not have to sit in a process with someone who has abused you.
A child arrangements order, which makes the arrangement enforceable rather than a matter of goodwill.
A non-molestation order, which is about your safety rather than the children's time, and can be applied for quickly.
A fact-finding hearing, where the court decides what actually happened before it decides anything about contact. The family court has specific rules for cases involving domestic abuse, and contact is treated differently where there's a risk of harm.
Legal aid is still available for family cases involving domestic abuse, where it has been withdrawn for most others. If you've assumed you can't afford advice, check. It's means and evidence tested, but a lot of people who qualify never ask.
If your ex is drinking or using drugs
Drink and drug use is a separate problem, and a horrible one, because you're weighing a real risk against a child's relationship with their parent.
Some things that help: be specific about what you've actually seen rather than what you suspect; ask for arrangements that manage the risk rather than ending contact, because courts start from the position that contact should happen if it can be made safe: supervised contact, contact at a contact centre, no overnight stays, no driving. A court is much more likely to agree to a proportionate request than an absolute one.
If you believe a child is at immediate risk, that's a different conversation and one that needs to happen fast. Contact children's services or the police rather than working through the family court timetable.
If you hate co-parenting
Sometimes the search isn't for a technique or advice. It's "I hate co-parenting", and what you want is for someone to say that it is genuinely awful.
It is. Having to keep negotiating with someone you left, for eighteen years, about the thing you care most about in the world, is one of the hardest arrangements anyone is asked to live with. Being good at it does not mean you have made peace with it.
The only thing worth saying is that it usually gets easier; not because they change, but because you stop expecting them to, and as your child gets older the need for contact is reduced. It's also finite. The children will get their own phones and their own opinions at some point, and the amount of your life that runs through your ex shrinks every year.
If you're frightened of them, that's not something to manage on your own. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. Support and helplines has the rest.
Where to go next
The day-to-day of it: co-parenting
Getting it written down: parenting plan
Making it enforceable: child arrangements
Someone to talk to: support and helplines
Last reviewed: October 2026. This page covers England and Wales and isn't legal advice - if you're worried about your safety or about the arrangements, take advice from a family solicitor.